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| There was a thought behind her gaze, but I could not decipher it for the life of me. I just sat there and squirmed uncomfortably, restlessly. Earlier I had articulated well my questions to my mind but now, jumbled, I mumbled out half questions that I already new the answer to. The rambling voice was mine, for that I was sure, but secretly I hoped it might belong to an invisible buffoon sitting next to me. I left with all my non-questioned unanswered. It makes sense really. How does one give an answer to a non-question? It would be rather difficult, I comforted myself, as my feet shuffled down the stained carpet steps. Sometimes I feel like a puppy dog that hasn't learned the edict of begging from the corners of the kitchen table. The sad part is I'm not a puppy dog ... "Are you my Mother?" The lines from the old children's book tug at the end of my thoughts. Such a foolish little bird, I used to think, who doesn't recognize what it is... or who it belongs to. How I used to chuckle over its confusion (for, you see, I was child, and little children like to chuckle when they get the chance). What lows I have reached when today all I feel is empathy for the little bird's confusion... for what am I but a little bird chripping to a tracker? | | |
| It has often occurred to me through the course of this last year that i am, in fact, in college. For a person almost at the end of her 2nd year of higher education, you would think that I would have already come to grips with this reality. As it would seem, I have not. In an overwhelming flood of emotional recognition, I am beginning to see that the future has come to the present and I am in fact living out the things that I remember thinking about living out... (that makes no sense so don't worry about trying to understand it) It is strange to think that reality is compose of the everyday... Okay, putting all melodramatic epiphanies aside, I think I will return to studying... With a week left in school i seem to have the bulk of my course work undone. Needless to say, these have been stressful days. No worries though, I have taken to coping with it all in many different ways... shall i provide you with a list of how to keep a handle on things in this final crunch? why, if you insist... 1) Sleep in, miss class and in as many ways as possible try not to think about your unwritten paper(s) 2) Drink coffee, not as an afternoon beverage, but as the very water that keeps you alive 3) Afternoon naps 4) Gregorian Chants 5) When you feel like crying, laugh (even if the funny-looking boy behind you in the library thinks you are laughing at him...chances are, it's good for him) 6) Check as many books out of the library as possible, this will accomplish two goals: first, it will make you feel like you are researching and secondly, no overachieving classmate will get their grips on them... thus, you can put off study with full assurance that you have your needed resources! (brilliant, if I say so myself) 7) Remember to be thankful that your world is not undergoing a nuclear attack and, therefore, all your work will not be in vain 9) Do not hesitate to take up talking to yourself 10) finally, remember always, under any circumstances, that it all doesn't really matter anyways (the worse that can happen is you end up failing, dropping out and living with your parents the rest of your life... quite peachy really) ah! There you have it, Jenny's 10 steps to stress free finals... priceless advise to be sure. I have to go...George Marshall is staring me down... ps. when you think about it, the number 8 is completely overrated! | | |
| It rained all day today and I loved every minute of it. The rain was cold and icy and it made me think of England. It is still raining, and against the light from the street lamps, you can see the rain dripping slowly down the window glass. Time for a cup of tea... again...
Life is very much moving at a steady rhythm. I get up in the morning, go to class, to another class, eat lunch, pick up something, drop something else off and do homework. Part of me thinks that I am becoming passive under the weight of such a normal existence. Summer is coming up and I am worried that I will spend it jobless and at home. Let us hope that will not be my fate.
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| I skipped Chinese class today and instead I read books in the
basement of the library. Sitting on the floor, Thomas Merton explained the
value of living in the desert and resting in silence. I started crying. It was
embarrassing until I realized I wasn't really crying, but my noise was dripping
from my cold and my eyes watering from the dust.
Today I had to explain to someone how one would play cricket. I realized half
way through that I don't really know how to play cricket, and I had to finish
up my explanation with a few made up rules and guidelines. I feel comfortable
though, as I doubt my authority on the matter will be questioned. The merits of
being born overseas:) Is it my problem
if he thinks that running around his teammates on the side lines is part of the
game? No, I think not.
I ate potatoes for breakfast, which didn't make me happy since I have decided I
don't like potatoes... a decision that I had forgotten I had made until I was
sitting at the table staring at the sliced, fried 'taters. I tried to rectify it at dinner but ended up eating french fries... depressed over my failure to actualize my dietary decisions, I ended the day with a large slice of chocolate cheese cake.
In other news, I found out today that the Gospel of John was actually written
by Lazarus.
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| God's ways are truly not our ways. In His faithfulness we find that our lives, seemingly so trivial, have deep significance. This value that God puts on each of our lives makes me love Him more each day. How can we not worship a God that pours out so much love and calls us beautiful even in our brokenness? I love the word "tendermercies". The idea that the mercy of God is tender and gentle is something I wish I understood more then I do. It is with tenderness that God saves us and forgives us. What would it look like if we all understood, in the deepest places of our hearts, that God had a tender heart towards us? His vast love would begin to become a reality in our hearts, I think... and no doubt we would live with the eyes of our hearts gazing upon Jesus... and find that in that place we feel the most alive. I don't think there is anything more beautiful then to listen to a person explain why they follow Jesus. All the philosophizing and historical arguments (though important) fade the to background, and their eyes light up with some inner joy that testifies that God is a Restorer who brings freedom from oppression and darkness. He delivers us and heals our wounded bodies... what a picture of beauty. | | |
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